warning

Newly issued alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

three brothers

Three Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

kudikarargal jokes

 Funny Quotations About Drink

• Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink: Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
  Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it: Was Winston's reply.
• Work is the curse of the drinking class: Oscar Wilde.
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading: Henny Youngman.
• He was a wise man who invented beer: Plato.
• He talked with more claret than clarity: Susan Ertz
• One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time: Nancy Astor
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy: Benjamin Franklin.
• You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on: Dean Martin.
• The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind : Humphrey Bogart.
• Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine: David Moulton.
• You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer: Frank Zappa.
• Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut: Ernest Hemmingway.
• Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me: Winston Churchill.
• I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer: Homer Simpson
• I drink to make other people interesting: George Jean Nathan.
• The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism: Norman Brenner
• An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools: For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway.
• My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle:  Henny Youngman
• There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink: Booth Tarkington

Naked Man Arrested for Shouting at Trees

 

A German man has been arrested after a marriage guidance counsellor advised him to run around naked shouting at trees.
Dieter Braun, 43, from Recklinghausen said the stress release technique had worked perfectly until he was arrested.
He told police that venting his anger on the trees had stopped him shouting at his wife.
'If I didn't go to the woods and scream at the trees then my marriage would probably be over, 'he said.
He added taking his clothes off at the same time made him feel more relaxed.
'For me it's a type of relaxation therapy. Feeling the breeze on my naked skin really calms me down.'
But local police said other visitors to the forest did not find his behaviour relaxing and have now charged him with causing a public nuisance.

kudikarargal jokes

 Funny Quotations About Drink

• Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink: Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
  Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it: Was Winston's reply.
• Work is the curse of the drinking class: Oscar Wilde.
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading: Henny Youngman.
• He was a wise man who invented beer: Plato.
• He talked with more claret than clarity: Susan Ertz
• One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time: Nancy Astor
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy: Benjamin Franklin.
• You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on: Dean Martin.
• The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind : Humphrey Bogart.
• Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine: David Moulton.
• You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer: Frank Zappa.
• Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut: Ernest Hemmingway.
• Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me: Winston Churchill.
• I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer: Homer Simpson
• I drink to make other people interesting: George Jean Nathan.
• The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism: Norman Brenner
• An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools: For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway.
• My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle:  Henny Youngman
• There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink: Booth Tarkington